How To Actually Read People: 9 Tricks From Body Language Experts
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December 11, 2020 — 16:09 PM
Everything from facial movements, to voice pitch, to body positioning can help tell a story. To help us decipher those micro-expressions, we spoke with body language experts on their top tips and tricks for reading people.
What is nonverbal communication?
Nonverbal communication is any form of communication information or messages from one person to another without using your words. It can include everything from hand signals to physical appearance to body language. Body language is a form of nonverbal communication that includes facial expressions, gestures, posture, eye movement, physical touch, and other signals indicated through the physical body.
Most of us have experienced moments where words escape us. Either we get too nervous, too shy, or too overwhelmed by emotions to think and speak clearly. In these instances, nonverbal cues speak for us. Since conversations are two-sided, that typically means the other person is left to read those nonverbals.
Learn to distinguish positive and negative body language.
Oftentimes, body language can be compartmentalized into “negative” or “positive,” body language expert Blanca Cobb, M.S., tells mbg. When someone’s body tenses up, that’s a common “negative” expression, which may be related to stress, discomfort, or anger. On the other hand, “positive” body language—like relaxing the body or resting comfortably—can indicate happiness and trust.
Pay attention to voice pitch.
The typical pitch of someone’s voice can alter depending on their mood. For example, when a person is sad, their voice tends to deflate, Cobb says. This means they’ll talk in a lower octave and at a slower rate. Faster, peppier, or more cheerful voices tend to indicate happiness.
Pay attention to their breathing.
“If somebody is angry, their face may start to redden,” Cobb says. This reaction is generally caused by rapid breathing.
“When you’re in fight or flight, the brain is releasing hormones and neurotransmitters, and cortisol will start flowing,” she explains. “That increases your blood pressure and your heart rate, and your breathing becomes shallow and fast.”
Look at the curvature of someone’s fingers.
This one may sound strange, but Cobb says when a person’s fingers have a slight curve, it likely means they’re at ease. “We don’t walk around with fully extended fingers,” she says, “it looks weird. When you have that natural curvature and there’s no tension, that lets you know someone’s feeling alright.”
If someone is interested in you or the conversation, they may lean in. “When flirting, more often than not, the space between the flirter and the flirtee will grow less and less,” says Scott Rouse, behavior analyst and author of Understanding Body Language: How to Decode Nonverbal Communication in Life, Love, and Work.
On the other hand, if someone is fearful or disinterested, they may lean back. It’s important to take in all the context clues in these situations, especially.
Just as some people will extend their fingertips in stressful situations, others may ball up their fists or tighten their grip. “If someone is already holding a glass or a mug, they may start to hold it tighter,” Cobb says. “You have this pent up energy that your body has to release.”
Pay attention to their movements.
If a person is moving more than they normally would be, that can be a sign of nervousness. According to Rouse, signs of nerves may include: jiggling the foot or leg, chewing on the lips, wringing of the hands, and even ticks or nervous twitches in some.
“Breathing becomes shallow, and movements of the hands and head become quick and jerky,” Rouse explains. “Of course, that all depends on the level of nervousness.”
Observe the nuances of their smile.
- Duchenne: This is a smile of true, genuine enjoyment, and you can spot it because it usually involves showing teeth and reaches the eyes.
- Social: Also called affiliative or non-enjoyment smiles, these ones usually have no teeth, don’t reach these eyes, and are used to convey common courtesy and friendliness rather than genuine happiness.
- Dominance: This lopsided smile looks more like a smirk, with only one corner of the mouth raised, and it can be used to convey confidence or even condescension.
And in case you’re curious: a recent study found the most identifiably flirty facial expression to be a slight smile with the head turned to one side, chin turned slightly down, and eye contact with the subject of affection.
Look at the big picture.
The last and final tip is definitely the most important. Looking at facial expressions can be a helpful first step, but those expressions aren’t always accurate.
“When we feel a certain way but don’t want people to know how we feel, we try to mask it,” Cobb says. Other cues, like pitch, body language, etc., tend to give away how we really feel. “You really have to pay attention to the big picture when you’re reading someone’s emotional state.”
Whether you’re speaking virtually or in person, it’s important to get the big picture. In other words, don’t just read the facial expressions. Also take in other context clues like the body language or the verbal cues.
Without context, nonverbal cues can easily be misinterpreted. Crossed arms, for example, can be a signal of resistance and nervousness in some cases, but can also signal confidence and power in another.
“Remember to put everything going on around you and that person into context with what you’re seeing in the other person’s nonverbals,” Rouse says. “The environment affects the behavior.”
Making assumptions about a person’s body language can lead to misplaced emotions and inappropriate actions, especially when the assumption is that someone is flirting. “A hello and a smile doesn’t mean someone’s hitting on you,” Cobb says. “It really could be that they’re friendly.”
If there’s ever a situation where you’re feeling uncertain, it’s important to ask questions and gain clarity before acting.
Nonverbal communication is an important part of how people express their feelings when they can’t put them into words (or purposefully try to hide them). Learning how to read these communicatory signs can help us understand others better.
“You can’t read minds if you know body language,” Rouse says. “But you can make better decisions about what the person you’re talking to or observing is going through or might do next.”
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