What Is Betrayal Trauma? The Unique Pain Of Being Hurt By Someone You Trust
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Betrayal trauma can feel an awful lot like the dull and lingering pain after a swift punch to the gut. The person who hurt you isn’t a stranger. Instead, it’s someone who you love deeply and who you—never in a million years—would have guessed would do such a thing. It becomes hard to trust that person again. Frankly, it might be hard to trust anyone ever again.
While that entire thought process sounds logical, it can be deeply painful to live in such a reality. Coping with the long-range effects of such a violation can be a lifelong quest, but help comes in many forms. We spoke with trauma psychologist Remi Coker, Ph.D., and licensed therapist Jessica Conquest, LMFT, about what exactly betrayal trauma is, when it can develop, how it relates to other kinds of trauma, and methods to recover and heal.
The psychology behind betrayal trauma.
In the 1990s, psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the concept “betrayal trauma” to describe what “occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being.” Infidelity, child abuse, and intimate partner violence are examples of events that can cause betrayal trauma because they all involve a breach of trust between people in an intimate relationship. Betrayal trauma can also happen when an institution, such as a government or law enforcement body, harms the individuals it claims to serve.
“Generally speaking, betrayal trauma is ‘triggered’ when a person/institution that we rely on for support (food, shelter, safety, emotional needs, job security) violates our boundaries,” Coker explains. “This can range from early childhood experiences where our basic needs weren’t met, to infidelity within romantic relationships, to institutional silence with regards to highly charged social justice issues.”
The impacts of betrayal trauma are often compounded by the fact that the person who was harmed may need to remain in the abusive relationship for survival, as in the case of child abuse or institutional abuse, Coker explains. “In this case, it isn’t to our advantage to react in the ‘normal way’ to the betrayal (i.e., leave the relationship or institution). Instead, we must suppress and ignore the betrayal in order to have our needs met.”
According to the 2008 Encyclopedia of Psychological Trauma, in instances of betrayal trauma, “the victim may be less aware or less able to recall the traumatic experience because to do so will likely lead to confrontation or withdrawal by the betraying caregiver, threatening a necessary attachment relationship and thus the victim’s survival.” Betrayal triggers can be particularly hard to grasp in situations where there isn’t a direct antecedent, Coker adds.
That said, betrayal trauma theory argues that safe and trustworthy attachments can be developed if these traumas are properly confronted and healed.
Common signs & symptoms of betrayal trauma.
Betrayal trauma (BT) often involves difficulty even recognizing what’s happening and naming the feelings it brings. Self-diagnosis is admittedly difficult because other complex traumas—like post-traumatic stress (PTS)—can generate similar reactions to betrayal trauma.
Here is a list of common betrayal trauma symptoms:
- Severe lack of trust, including difficulty trusting others and yourself
- Anxiety and panic attacks
- Constant reminders of triggering incidents
- Repression, disassociation, or forgetfulness around triggering incidents
- Emotional dysregulation
- Irregular eating
- Poor sleep habits
To help distinguish betrayal trauma from other trauma responses like post-traumatic stress, Conquest offers an illustrative example: “Imagine being attacked on the subway by a stranger (PTS). Now, imagine being robbed on the subway by a stranger (PTS) and then finding out your partner set you up for an insurance payout (BT).” The robbery is the gut punch. What about the complicity of someone who once made you feel safe? That is the double whammy that creates the mixed bag of complicated emotions that can linger for many years to come, known as betrayal trauma.
When examining your relationship for signs of betrayal trauma, Conquest recommends asking yourself:
- Does this relationship feel safe?
- Does my communication pattern come from an emotionally protective place?
- Do I feel the need to protect myself, even from people in my life who are supposed to be “safe”?
- Is there a hypervigilance about becoming a victim?
- Is there a history of abuse?
- Is there limited foundational trust and safety?
Examples of betrayal trauma:
In romantic relationships
Situations of infidelity and abuse are intrinsically linked to betrayal trauma. In the romantic context, infidelity can mean having sex with other people when monogamy was agreed on, but depending on the relationship parameters the partners have agreed on, it might also include emotional affairs, watching porn, or other “micro-cheating” behaviors. Abuse can also be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or other forms of violence and manipulation.
In relationships with parents and caregivers
Betrayal trauma can also happen outside the context of adult relationships, Conquest adds. “It can come in the form of any childhood sexual, emotional, and or physical assault by a caregiver,” she says. “Children can be significantly affected by betrayal trauma both directly and indirectly. The direct effect is being a victim of trauma. The vicarious effect may be children being raised by parents who experienced trauma, thus creating generational trauma.”
On the institutional level
Betrayal trauma also doesn’t have to be at an individual level, Coker and Conquest note. It frequently happens at an institutional level.
“An example of betrayal trauma could be officers in the military being sexually assaulted,” Conquest explains. “When the assault is reported or discovered, there’s no reaction or an inappropriate response from the military. In this example, the lack of response may be even more traumatic than the sexual assault itself. This can also be referred to as ‘institutional trauma.'” In such cases, the violated officer may not only feel aggrieved by their attacker, but distrust can lead to limited interaction with other teammates and a lack of faith in the entire system.
The person experiencing this form of betrayal trauma may not necessarily be a direct victim of physical abuse or violence. “Failure to prevent or respond supportively to reported individual incidents by an institution constitutes betrayal trauma,” Coker explains. “This is also something common that people of color and others with marginalized identities face… They expect the institution that espouses concern for their needs to ‘have their backs,’ but often they fall short.”
Here’s an example Coker offers:
“For example, let’s take a large institution that has a main focus of infusing social justice into their work. With the race-based riots and increase in coverage of the Black Lives Matter movement over the past year, it would be expected by the staff that the institution would immediately come out in support of their Black employees and Black folks in general. However, a delay in making a statement in support of their Black staff can be seen as a betrayal of ideals and a betrayal of the staff. Ultimately, while the Black staff will feel further marginalized and disappointed in their institution, the threat of losing one’s job for speaking out is a very tangible threat. So, in order to survive, it becomes incumbent upon the Black employees to remain silent to maintain their financial security. This has significant ramifications for the mental health of the staff.”
The trauma might be conflated with burnout or job dissatisfaction, which can lead to poor performance and high attrition.
Healing & moving forward.
Betrayal trauma recovery first begins with recognizing that harmful events and situations are really tough. Many people try to repress or ignore what they went through, only seeking help when their trauma responses are already significantly hurting their quality of life. If this sounds like you or someone you love, there are many resources available to cope and heal.
“Recovery implies awareness, so accessing counseling and therapeutic supports can be a crucial step in the case of recovery,” says Conquest. She suggests a variety of therapeutic techniques, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) to support healing.
When the victim feels safe and willing, she recommends group or family therapy. Sometimes this can entail relational healing with the person who initiated the trauma, but other times it simply allows the recovering person the opportunity to share their story with people in their lives who play a vital role in their social circle or support system.
While trauma therapy can be an important step to healing, Coker notes that not everyone is ready for professional help. Telehealth options might add a layer of detachment that a recovering person might prefer over a face-to-face session.
In the meantime, lean on the other friends and family members in your support system. Your support system is vital for giving you a reality check that what you think is going on really is going on and reminding yourself that there are still trustworthy people in the world, says Coker.
“Can you muster up other support to help fulfill your needs? Do you have a great support network of friends who can help float you while you look for another job, the backup of a supervisor who can fight for your rights, the love and support of another parent?” she says. “Sometimes turning to others for support can show us that we aren’t alone and that can be enough to find a way to change one’s situation.”
How to help the recovery process:
- Seek support from a trauma-informed therapist.
- Join a support group for survivors of abuse.
- Learn about the impacts of childhood trauma, generational trauma, and institutional trauma.
- Listen to podcasts about trauma and healing, such as The Trauma Therapist, Trauma Queen, Therapy Chat, and Help Me Be Me.
- Learn how to transform your triggers.
- Take care of your mental health.
- Start healthy routines that help with emotional regulation, such as yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and breathwork.
- Find ways to reclaim your body, such as yoga, boxing, martial arts, self-defense, etc.
- Where possible, leave the abusive relationship (individual or institutional) and end cycles of abuse.
Betrayal trauma is more than just a theory. The situations and circumstances in which it can arise are quite diverse, and betrayal trauma symptoms are also linked to mental health ramifications and maladaptive behaviors. But once you know how to name that dull and lingering pain, it is that much easier to stop ignoring it and start on the road to recovery.
Trauma recovery is best achieved under the care of a licensed therapist who specializes in the kind of situations that most deeply affect you. If your situation is complex, long-standing, or built on childhood trauma, disclose that to prospective care providers to ensure that they are a good fit. If the relationship that troubles you most is deeply rooted in your identity or an institution, don’t be afraid to say so. Build trust with your care provider and use that to craft a plan to build healthy relationships and practices for the future.
Just acknowledging the trauma occurred can be quite difficult, so remember to be gentle with yourself and patient with the process of recovery and healing.
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