What’s A Throuple? Why Three-Way Relationships Work Better For Some People
Shows such as You Me Her, Genera+ion, and Trigonometry have introduced the concept of throuples to a wider audience, but three-way relationships are still generally misunderstood or ignored by society. Here’s a mini primer on throuples, whether you’re monogamous and curious about alternative relationship structures or left with questions after watching one of the above shows.
A throuple, which is a mix of the words couple and three, is a romantic relationship between three people, in which every person is intimately linked with the other two. Although media representation usually focuses on two bisexual women and one straight man, throuples can consist of any kind of gender constellation. Throuples can be just as committed to one another as couples, despite lacking legal frameworks to recognize their relationships.
“Three individuals who are in a relationship with each other very often prefer to be called a ‘triad’ rather than ‘throuple,'” adds Jennifer Schneider, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, a licensed therapist and social worker who has clinical experience working with non-monogamous people. (This article will use the terms interchangeably.)
Throuple vs. polyamory vs. open relationship.
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A throuple is not quite the same as polyamory or an open relationship, although there is some overlap between the terms. All three terms are subsets of ethical non-monogamy.
Polyamory refers to the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one person, with the informed consent of all people involved. Polyamorous people believe and honor the idea that it’s perfectly normal, desirable, and possible to love, be attracted to, and be intimate with more than one person at a time.
An open relationship is a relationship in which a romantically bonded couple (or throuple!) decide to have sex with people outside of their relationship—usually without forming long-lasting emotional bonds or commitment. (Here’s how to ask your partner for an open relationship if that’s sparking some curiosity.)
A throuple is an example of polyamory, i.e., loving more than one person at a time, and throuples may or may not be in open relationships, depending on the preferences of those involved. Throuples may also be open to love outside of the threesome, and each person in the relationship may also have other partners, lovers, or dates.
What are the “rules” in a throuple relationship?
“There are no specific ‘rules’ that all triads follow,” Schneider says. Most throuples have their own unique relationship agreements, so it’s therefore not possible to give across-the-board examples of how they work. As a unit, the three people must decide what approach they want to take and what dynamics feel good to them in terms of who has sex with whom, where everyone sleeps, how date nights work, and the like.
There are various options that might be in play, Schneider says.
“A V relationship is one in which one individual is the ‘hinge,’ where they have two relationships, but their partners are not in a relationship with each other. A visual representation of it is simply the letter ‘V,'” explains Schneider.
The way in which the people in a V relationship relate to one another differs from relationship to relationship. “I’ve seen many configurations of V dynamics in my work, and they all look different. There’s a broad spectrum of how closely all parties involved in Vs relate. Sometimes the metamours (people with a shared partner) are dear friends, housemates, and/or co-parents. Sometimes they prefer not to know one another at all,” says Dow.
While triads or throuples are usually three people who all share a romantic and sexual link with both of the other parties, sometimes people refer to V relationships as triads too.
Sleeping with people outside the triad.
It might be perfectly fine for the throuple members to seek out love or sex outside of the triad. Or it might be counted as cheating for some throuples. It all depends on the mutually agreed-upon rules that govern a particular relationship.
Not all throuples are open relationships, Schneider explains: “Some triads are polyfidelitous, meaning that the triad might be considered ‘closed,’ in that members of it do not date outside of it.” In other situations, they may be open to having relationships outside of the triad with certain agreements in place. “Triad members may wish to be consulted before a member dates someone outside of it, or not,” she explains. “There may be one member of the triad that does not wish to date outside of it, whereas the other two do.”
“I’ve heard people say before that it’s best for all three parties in a throuple to sleep together so nobody feels left out. To me any absolute of that nature in regards to how relationships ‘should’ function is ridiculous,” says Anna Dow, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in non-monogamous relationships in her clinical work at Vast Love and who also practices consensual non-monogamy herself. “We humans are each one-of-a-kind creatures. Thus it makes much more sense to structure our relationships around the preferences of the people involved rather than defaulting to any preconceived ‘shoulds.’ One of my partners is especially sensitive to sensory input and prefers sleeping alone. If he and I were in a triad relationship, he would still prefer to sleep alone.”
So while some triads share a bed every night, some rotate between partners so as to give each configuration of lovers quality time, and some sleep apart regardless. What’s most important is that the arrangement takes into account each individual’s needs. “Relationships with three people are similar to relationships with two in that the individuals involved have a lot of agency in how they’re crafted, and each dynamic is unique,” says Dow.
Just like sleeping arrangements, date nights and quality time for people in triads are usually a mix of activities involving all three members of the relationship and some with just two of them. There are no hard-and-fast rules.
“Rules are useful in dynamics with power differentials, like parenting. In adult relationships, in which people treat one another as equals, it’s much healthier for people to instead all share openly about their thoughts, feelings, boundaries, and desires with the goal of coming to agreements that are considerate of all parties involved,” explains Dow.
What is a unicorn in a throuple?
No, not a mythical horse but rumored to be just as hard to find. “A unicorn is an individual, very frequently a heteroflexible or bisexual/pansexual woman, who a couple seeks out to form a triad,” says Schneider. “The couples who most frequently go ‘unicorn-hunting’ are composed of a straight man and a bisexual woman.”
Unicorn-hunting is frequently looked down upon in non-monogamous circles because it often results in an objectification of the unicorn, who ceases to be seen as her own person. Couples may treat the unicorn as existing solely for the benefit of the existing couple unit and disregard her feelings and need to feel seen, heard, and respected. Schneider notes that unicorn-hunting is often done by couples who are new to ethical non-monogamy: “Having separate polyamorous relationships feels too threatening.”
It’s perfectly legal for three consenting adults to have a relationship, but when it comes to being recognized by the state, things get a little harder. It’s currently not possible for three people to be married and enjoy the benefits that come along with that, such as filing taxes together. However, there are small signs of progress. For example, a court in Canada ruled that two men and one woman who were in a throuple could all be registered as the legal parents of their child, who was born in 2017.
A common misconception about polyamorous people is that they don’t get jealous. In fact, jealousy is a feeling that pops up for just about everyone at some time or another. One person in a throuple might feel jealous of the other two and the bond they have or the time they spend together, or they may feel jealous of their relationships with other partners outside the triad.
When jealousy strikes in a non-monogamous context, it’s usually seen as an opportunity to interrogate emotions and find space for dialogue to work through the difficult feelings. On the other hand, many people in triads are buoyed in their relationships by the experience of compersion, a feeling of unselfish joy that’s felt when one’s partner is fulfilled in their other relationships.
The unique challenges of being in a throuple.
While being in a triad offers an abundance of love and security, it also comes with some unique challenges. Depending on the origins of the throuple, there might be insecurities at play. “A newer member of the triad might feel, at times, very separate from the other two, in that those two’s relationship might have originally been just the two of them,” Schneider explains. Furthermore, “sometimes the original couple that then forms a triad might not have fully ‘worked out’ what polyamory means for them.”
In these cases, a lack of communication and clarity can have calamitous results for the relationship. With three people’s needs in competition with one another, “a triad might start to feel more like a scalene or obtuse triangle rather than the original goal of an equilateral one,” warns Schneider.
The problems that throuples face aren’t just internal but structural as well. Dow explains: “The main con that comes to mind for me [with triads] is that society is designed for two. People tend to get +1 invitations for weddings, it’s expected to only bring one partner to work events, families often aren’t welcoming of more than one partner at holidays, marriage is only legal for two, couples resorts cater to dyads, many roller coaster rides only have two seats, and this list could go on for days.”
This society-sanctioned dismissal of triads can lead to personal friction. “Because dyadic partnerships are the norm, couples get a good bit of privilege in society. In triads this often leads to the person who entered the relationship last getting excluded in certain contexts like holidays, weddings, or work events,” Dow says. “This is especially true if people in the relationship don’t feel comfortable coming out as queer or non-monogamous. It can be very painful for people to be in a position of secrecy when their other partners are able to present as a couple to the public and reap the benefits that doing so provides.”
Lastly, the realities of how humans create and maintain connections with one another are brought into sharp focus through triads. “When more than two people form an intimate relationship system together, it’s not a realistic expectation that all of the connections within the dynamic will evolve at the same speed or to the same depth. Inequities in that regard often bring up painful feelings for people that have to be processed and worked through on the individual and team levels,” says Dow.
How to know if a throuple is right for you.
Knowing that a triad is the right fit for you is a little complicated. After all, you never know until you try. Schneider’s advice is to start by considering your feelings about ethical non-monogamy in general: “Are you someone who is interested in polyamory, as you have felt drawn to it and find yourself rejecting traditional monogamous values?”
If you’ve always felt that the status quo leaves you unsatisfied and you’re invested in considering your own and others’ feelings with a lot of care and deliberation, then a triad might be for you.
“You must also fully accept that traversing uncharted territories tends to be hard work that’s full of surprises!” says Dow. Building a triad takes vulnerability and communication; it’s not just an excuse to have a threesome. A triad is “one of the most complex poly relationships that exists,” says Beth Bloomfield-Fox, LPC. “In a triad there are many relationships happening; person 1 with person 2, person 1 with person 3, person 2 with person 3, etc., and the relationship that exists between all three people together. Being in a relationship with this dynamic requires a significant amount of conversation, patience, and personal responsibility.”
If you’re curious about thinking deeper about throuples and other forms of polyamory, then Schneider recommends the following books:
- The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston (Useful for everyone, not just girls! adds Schneider)
- The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
- Polysecure by Jessica Fern (I just finished reading this last week, and it’s a really solid book for beginners and more experienced non-monogamists alike.)
Another smart path to take before deciding if a triad is right for you is therapy. “Meeting with a therapist or relationship coach who is poly aware and accepting before introducing new parties and dynamics is a great first step,” recommends Bloomfield-Fox. In order to find a therapist who has the competence needed to help navigate poly issues, you can use this useful directory.
What it’s like being in a throuple.
Here, some people who are in, or have been in, throuples, talk about what it is or was like for them:
- “We’ve been together for two years. We did not actively seek or choose being in a throuple; we stumbled across it, and the way of life chose us accordingly. If you ask us about the barriers we face—most of them are external. For example, because our way of life is still not considered ‘normal,’ we keep having to explain to people why and how we are the way we are and why there is one more person than usual. Also, sleeping/sitting arrangements outside are usually made for two people, so we have to adjust there. When it comes to our relationship itself on an internal/emotional level, making two relationships work at the same time (and dealing with two egos…!) is definitely more challenging. However, the flip side to this is beyond beautiful. Two people rarely fulfill each other on every level, and a third person can definitely complement the relationship. To give you an example, Martha and Karan are both highly extroverted and energetic, which their relationship thrives upon. Nevertheless, their relationship needs Inga’s calmness and nurturance to remain stable. Additionally, since we are now three people unconditionally supporting each other and splitting daily tasks accordingly, we end up with more time to pursue our individual interests. And if one of us does something alone/away from the others, they know that the others are well taken care of because they are two people, and you’re not leaving one person alone.” —Inga (25), Karan (34), and Martha (23)
- “I was in a throuple for six months with a couple I met on Tinder. At first it was kind of like a montage from a movie. I couldn’t believe how fun it was. But over time, cracks started to show, and I realized that they really hadn’t prepared for opening up their original relationship. I felt more and more pushed out and annoyed. It ended up blowing up pretty bad.” —Amanda (29)
- “I didn’t exactly choose to end up in a ‘V.’ It just kind of happened. I made friends with a couple through my bar job, and me and the guy started sleeping together. I was new to non-monogamy and couldn’t really believe that his girlfriend didn’t mind and that she even wanted to be friends with me. We ended up spending like a year traveling together through Asia. In the end we all transitioned to just being friends, and we’re inseparable. Nowadays I’m in a monogamous relationship, and I think it works better for me, but I am glad I tried something different.” —Em (30)
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