Why Can’t I Cry? 8 Reasons Some People Never Let The Tears Flow
Crying can be an extremely cathartic experience. The strong emotions paired with it may be hard or seemingly impossible to weather, but most times they crave being acknowledged and released. Yet, many people have trouble crying when they’re upset. There are myriad reasons this may be happening.
Are there benefits of crying?
Although crying is often tied to an emotionally difficult event, there are actually physical, psychological, and social benefits of crying.
“Crying can help one better manage their emotional stress and strengthen relationships as a result of a healthy, safe response to negative outcomes or situations,” says Michael Chen, M.D., a doctor and district medical director at One Medical. “Crying can help one’s mood by improving sleep, reducing inflammation, and strengthening the immune system.”
Furthermore, research has shown that crying releases specific hormones in the body, such as oxytocin and endorphins, which help relieve physical and psychological pain while reducing other stress-related hormones such as adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH).
“The first thing an infant does when entering the world is cry, and it’s a good thing,” Mary Joye, LMHC, tells mbg. “Babies have this innate reflex for assurance that someone will take care of their immediate needs. They have no vocabulary other than crying, and if no one comes, they can develop learned helplessness.”
According to Joye, it may sound like the baby is self-soothing when they stop crying, but they may be giving up hope. This is one of several main reasons the inability to cry may carry into adulthood and cause emotional distress.
“We tend to find that holding back one’s emotions and restricting the ability to cry can lead to negative outcomes such as chronic depression, anxiety, and difficult relationships,” Chen adds.
Possible reasons you can’t cry:
Shame and cultural stigma
According to Chen, in the context of human development and sociological factors, it’s actually common for some people to not be able to cry in adulthood.
“Crying is a reflexive biological response in most humans to an emotional state such as sadness, anger, and happiness,” Chen explains. “As humans reach adulthood, we learn to manage our crying response through learned, negative associations such as embarrassment and cultural expectations, affecting how one person easily cries compared to another.”
But knowing the benefits of crying, these negative adaptations can sometimes contribute to depression and anxiety when crying is behaviorally restricted. This is why empathy and acceptance from caregivers are imperative to help people avoid developing these negative associations with crying.
Some people can’t cry because they are taught not to as a child. According to Joye, this can be especially true for men, who may have grown up hearing statements such as “Boys don’t cry” and learned to avoid crying.
Joye notes that abuse toward children often involves creating fear around the experience of showing emotion. “Abused children often hear, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!'” she explains. “They get a lump in their throat when repressing tears and find it difficult to breathe, which is an involuntary vagus nerve reactivity from emotional distress. Fear to express emotions stunts healthy development of appropriate sadness or crying in adulthood.”
Joye says that long-term repression of crying can contribute to depression and anxiety, which may result in emotional blunting or numbing. “The limbic system, which activates our fight/flight/freeze responses along with other parts of the brain that process emotions can be disrupted, and healthy neural activity impaired,” she explains. “There is nothing worse than feeling nothing at all.”
People who deal with social anxiety may not want others to see them cry, so they may repress it for fear of being judged. According to Joye, perfectionistic or codependent people may suppress tears as well to appear to be in control of their emotions, but it is a fragile façade.
Sometimes the severity and intensity of a negative situation or outcome is so strong or persistent that the body and mind are in a state of shock, so it may be difficult to cry at that moment. However, some trauma survivors often experience ongoing numbing when they become detached and estranged from others and dissociated or depersonalized from themselves.
“Crying would ease physiological cycles of emotional flooding and numbing, but without release, the ability to process any emotions, including happy ones, becomes increasingly difficult,” Joye explains.
Underlying medical conditions
Mental disorders such as schizophrenia or anhedonia can sometimes make it hard or impossible to cry. This is known as the flat affect, and people who have it don’t exhibit usual signs of emotion. Though the flat affect may come off as uncaring or unresponsive due to blunted expressions or a dull, monotone voice, research shows that people who deal with the flat affect experience just as much of internal emotion as neurotypicals do—they just have trouble expressing themselves through crying, laughing, etc.
In terms of physical disorders, keratoconjunctivitis sicca, or dry eye syndrome, is known to inhibit tear production. “Rarely, genetic medical conditions, such as familial dysautonomia, result in the lack of tear formation when one is in a state of emotional crying,” Chen adds.
Certain medications can also play a role in emotional blunting. According to research from Oxford University, between 46% and 71% of antidepressant users have experienced emotional blunting during treatment. The antidepressants most commonly associated with emotional blunting are selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), and tricyclic and tetracyclic antidepressants. This may suggest that serotonin is one of the chief causes of emotional blunting.
How to get the feelings out.
It’s important to cry at least occasionally to release emotions and stress. Tears can be evidence that trauma is seeking a physical outlet to resolve emotional pain. However, although crying is one method to release one’s emotions and feelings, it is not the only method.
“The act of talking to a friend or other supportive individuals is another way to release one’s feelings and being able to process a difficult or negative situation,” says Chen. “Meditative breathing and exercise are other healthy activities that can help one release their emotional state.“
According to Chen, recognizing and acknowledging one’s emotional state is a vital foundation in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is an effective evidence-based method for the treatment and management of anxiety and depression, and the act of crying is complementary to one’s exploration of these emotional states.
“Visiting a professional in a nonjudgmental environment can be a catalyst for healthy crying,” Joye adds. “Many clients in therapy say, ‘I never cry.’ Some apologize, and this is an indication of a root cause that needs exploration.”
And there’s always the tried-and-true cueing up of a classic tear-jerker. “Watching a sad movie is an expedient, self-help method to get tears to flow,” Joye says. “It is sometimes easier to cry about another’s pain than facing our own, but nevertheless, it cathartically releases pent-up emotions.”
If you’re struggling with crying, remember that you are far from alone. There are so many mental health organizations focused on support and healing involving the entire spectrum of the beautiful, complex human psyche.
The saying “I need a good cry” is valid, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help from a trained professional and lean on your community and loved ones. You don’t have to go this alone. Know that the journey of expressing your emotions in a way that works for you may be a tricky one, but developing and cultivating self-compassion and gentleness during this time is imperative.
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